Beth Liebling was a divorce lawyer with five children experiencing boring married sex (BMS) and did not know it was OK to be sexy. She then went down a new path, got divorced and opened up Darling Way in Houston, Texas, a store for pleasure. Beth has since sold Darling Way and devotes her time to being a Sex & Relationship coach. She went from helping people break up to helping couples fight for love. It came out of her wish to learn how she could be OK being sexy and how she could teach others to be OK with their sexy too. Beth had a wish that people not be ashamed of their bodies and their desires.
Boring, married, sex happens when the comfort, security and stability of a love relationship seems to replace sex, passion and wildness. They are opposites and it can be challenging for both to exist after a while in a relationship. Women get bored after a year of the same thing, including sex. It is up to us to always bring in variety with our imagination. Intimacy is a way of connecting and showing our desire for our partners/lovers.
Sex can be reduced to man has an erection, woman is penetrated and man has orgasm. Unfortunately, this is all to often how it happens, leaving women dissatisfied and hungry. How they communicate their desires to their partner is key. Beth said that sometimes women do not know what they want or they are ashamed to tell their partner. It is crucial that each one of us is comfortable with our desires and not afraid to communicate them. In our culture, women are often shamed for wanting more. Communication of a woman’s desire to her partner is intimate and sexy and helps our partner become a wonderful lover. Partners want to please us as we do them.
It is important for women to know, love and trust their own bodies. They can then allow their partner to love them in a total way. There are five types of intimacy – physical, emotional, sexual, romantic and spiritual. They can exist separately, a combination or all levels at once.
I remember when I was in my early twenties, reading The Hite Report and feeling concerned that so few women enjoyed their sex life and found it satisfying. Beth said that 25% of women experience orgasm through penetration alone and that 75% require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. She explained that the clitoris is not just a nub, but extends down into the vaginal canal, like a wishbone. For many women, stimulation of this area is highly pleasurable (G spot). Some women squirt during orgasm through the urethra and this also gives pleasure and release.
There are women who can reach orgasm on their own through self-pleasure and not with a partner. They may feel self- conscious, afraid of being out of control and vulnerable. Some women feel that good girls do not enjoy sex and so they suppress their desires and act as if sex does not matter.
Beth talked about BDSM which was brought out of the closet, in part by 50 SHADES OF GREY. It can be fun to bring in the element of dominant/submissive into a relationship, complete with a prop closet.
We talked about oral sex and how only 28% of women enjoy giving it to a man. Oral sex is more intimate than intercourse. Men can feel like they are being serviced and women can feel self conscious about how they smell or pubic hair, etc. It can enhance a relationship as it is such a deep intimate connection. When you are excited to give, it makes it even better for the receiver. There is pleasure in giving. We should never do anything we are not excited about in the bedroom.
I asked Beth about self-pleasure and the use of a vibrator vs use of hands. She said that variety just like partnered sex is important. Different positions, different kinds of vibrators and hands are all important. Using imagination, creativity and variety is a powerful synergy with self pleasure. It can be an experience rather than simply a way of getting off. A man using a vibrator on a woman is also very exciting.
We also spoke about pornography which seems to be most commonly watched by men. Beth feels it can be helpful and couples watching together can get ideas for role playing. There is now more pornography available that is sensitive to women where the sex is in context.
Anal sex which also is often viewed as taboo can be very pleasurable for both women and men (through pegging). There are 4000 nerve endings around the anus. It is possible for women to have an anal orgasm. Good lube (not glycerin, but silicone) is best.
In closing, it is important to love, know and appreciate our own bodies and to view sex as an expansive experience vs boring. It is up to each one of us to create a fun sex life.
To reach Beth: